On Soapstone, Crime Pays (in Paint)

While perusing the Face Books, somewhere between a post from someone we sat next to one time in a grade school assembly and a 1,000-word rant about a restaurant visit gone bad, we noticed that an intrepid member of the Reston Herndon Community Group posted this lovely cellular telephone photo of the Soapstone 7-11, which apparently appears to have some... inventory control issues.  But is it just toothless corporate boilerplate? Let's find out:

Unless that's a display case for some product in throwback 1980s packaging, apparently not, so be warned if you're looking for a five-finger discount on a cord of wood or a case of bottled water, the end.

You've Got Ring Around the Cluster: The Heartbreak of Drought and Dried Out Concrete

Growing up in the fab 1970s, we learned that the absolute most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to someone was to be caught in public with ring around the collar. Now, with the ongoing lack of rain, we're noting that some of our favorite water-adjacent clusters have their own unsightly stains. Oh, the humanity!

Please to be noting this SHOCKING cellular telephone photo, with the comical light fixture and its incandescent lighting hovering in the foreground as silent judge, jury, and executioner:

A little club soda will get that out!

While we keep our fingers crossed for rain, perhaps the RA could learn something from this helpful instructional video for housewives HOAs:

We don't know who the child actor relentlessly mocking their father in this ad is, but we're guessing she ended up all right, the end.

RELAC Didn't Do It: With Yet Another Closure, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Maybe for Good This Time (Updated)

Sad news for fans of humid air, peeling wallpaper, and jet-age technology: RELAC announced Friday that it is discontinuing operations, saying that “rising operating costs, aging infrastructure, and a decline in participation have made it impossible to sustain the utility in a reliable, safe and financially responsible way.”

The Reston Association quickly issued a statement saying it's not involved and has no oversight over RELAC, not our problem nosiree!, but just the same reminded property owners not to forget Section VI.3(d)(15) of the Reston Deed.  For those of you who haven't committed the Deed to memory as required in that thick binder of disclosure documents you signed when you bought your home, that's the part about requiring homes with RELAC connections to use it and not that new-fangled "air conditioning" people keep prattling on about. (Presumably Section VI.3(d)(16) has something about bell bottoms being part of the mandatory Reston dress code, but the dog ate our dog-eared copy.)

But we digress. Similar closure news happened a couple of years back, but there was talk then about turning it into some socialist co-op, and then RELAC was handed over to a contractor, and the tepid air kept a'comin', except when it didn't. Residents reported multiple outages this summer, with temperatures inside some homes reaching 85 degrees or higher. 

Other homeowners reported that the system stopped working on Friday. Your intrepid Restonian On Your Side I-Team Action McNews correspondent had noticed earlier in the week that unsettling grinding and clanking noises were coming from the RELAC machinery near Lake Anne, but attributed them to the incredibly low water levels of rain-starved Lake Anne, which provides the juice for the system, if by "juice," you mean "tepid water for the tubes."

What will RA leadership do? Give us some good blockquote:

RA leadership will be meeting to discuss next steps in the coming days and will keep affected members updated on the process. For the latest information, please continue to visit the RELAC page on RA’s website.

We will! Referenda to remove the RELAC requirement failed in 2024, 2015 and 2008. We're guessing it won't fail again if put up to a vote. 

For all our jokes made comfortably within the air-conditioned nerve center of Restonian World Headquarters, RELAC's latest shutdown is still a shame. In the heat of the summer, it's nice to walk through neighborhoods without the sound of individual AC units droning away, but it's probably nicer to have a home or business that doesn't feel like a sauna. The RA did provide a medical opt-out for the system, which multiple operators have said siphoned off enough customers over the years to make the math not math. So not a great situation for anyone involved, and a little bit of what made Reston a little bit different when it was founded is likely going away. 

So pour one out for RELAC, but leave that drink of choice out of the fridge for at least 45 minutes before doing so, the end. 

Update: According to this, roughly one-quarter of RELAC households had been given the cough cough sneeze sneeze "allergy" exemption this year, much like our decidedly non-allergic college roommate when we lived in an un-airconditioned dorm. Hard to see how anyone could keep the system sustainable that way.

Hunter Mill Supervisor Walter Alcorn has weighed in as well: 

Now is the time for the homes and businesses that relied on RELAC to plan for how they'll meet their cooling needs next summer. This is why I've reached out to the Waterview, Hickory, Washington Plaza, Wainwright, Coleson and Governor's Square Clusters and the Vantage Hill and Lake Anne condo associations. I've inquired about their plans, as well as asked what, if anything, the county may be able to do to help like expediting permitting for new cooling systems. RELAC has always been a private utility, however. So, homeowners will need to find alternatives soon before the summer heat returns.

And now the Reston Association has weighed in. Noting that the utility has not formally issued an intent to dissolve, the RA states:

Reston Association is not affiliated with nor does it have oversight over RELAC and so must await formal notification as to either the formal closure of the company or of a new owner/operator who intends to continue service.

In the meantime, RA is still expeditiously processing medical exemption forms from RA members affected by RELAC who have a need to install individual cooling units in their homes. Cluster members with a medical need must receive a medical exemption from the Covenants Committee prior to submitting a DRB application for an HVAC system. Eligible members can complete the medical exemption form and DRB application for HVAC at any time.

At this time, properties subject to the covenant, without an approved medical exemption, will not be permitted to install exterior HVAC systems.

In the meantime, a Confidential Restonian Operative sent us this cellular telephone photo of a RELAC customer waiting for their home to cool down during the most recent heat wave:

We'll Leave the (Burnt Orange) Light on For You

The last year has seen one big change in Reston--not one, but two fancy new hotels have opened their doors with amenities that would have been unthinkable when our plastic fantastic planned community was founded. Rooftop bars with views of bland glass boxes rivaling those in, say, downtown Dallas! Multiple dining "concepts," for those who find "food" too commonplace! Rare bourbons, not the stuff in plastic bottles once made right here in Reston for folks at a certain state school!

Now, we're simple folk who usually stay at lesser hotel brands, ones where you can park right outside your front door and walk down a "breezeway" to get ice from a machine that sounds like a broken rock tumbler. But we do think these hotels would benefit from a little more...Reston.

Instead of rooftop bars, why not a sunken conversation pit? Nothing sparks lively conversation and good times like stepping down into a living space muted by thick wall-to-wall carpeting.

Instead of pricey wooden and textile finishes to signal contemporary good taste, why not poured concrete? If it was good enough for generations of Reston kids to play on, it's good enough for a C-level executive flying into town for an in-person "standup," whatever that is.

Gyms with ellipticals and weight racks are great, but to get your guests' heart rate really pumping, why not provide bikes and point them to the W&OD? They'll be in tip-top shape, assuming they don't get run off the trail.

Instead of valet parking, why not offer baffling color-coded garages, inscrutable rules about when you can park for free, and an app to provide the true Reston experience?

Everyone loves room service, but we love chain dining even more!

And, of course, what busy business person doesn't love golfing when they're not busy doing business? Might want to hurry up and get those guest passes while they're still available, the end.

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.

A Room With An (Expensive) View: Fancypants New Hotel Has 24-Hour Room Service, Creepy Robert E. Simon Mask

While we were focusing on the An Art and palpable lack of woonerf right outside, the fancypants JW Marriott at Reston Station opened its doors to guests last week.  We Restonians -- us lumpen proletariats, toiling away at our rapidly endangered government contracting jobs strapping bombs to dolphins -- are now the hosts of Virginia's ONLY JW Marriott, among the fanciest of the fancy Marriott hotel "brands."

"Every moment made exquisite," the hotel's website gushes, and we agree! For a high-end chain, the folks at Marriott really leaned into the Reston mystique. Its signature restaurant is called "The Simon," and it offers "a multi-sensory journey" (we assume one of the senses is taste, but then again, we're simple folk who usually stay at lesser hotel brands, ones where you can park right outside your front door and walk down a "breezeway" to get ice from a machine that sounds like a broken rock tumbler). Another amenity is the "Schar Bar," named after the folks who funded Inova's cancer center and offering the bourbons which were once made right down Sunset Hills from this august hotel.  Plus, as an added bonus, you can be creeped out inspired by this terrifying death mask breathtaking rendering of Robert E. Simon:

Yikes. Hopefully that glass frame will keep it from escaping and invading our nightmares. If not, those of us of a certain age can remember the first time we saw something similar:

But enough of the public spaces. What are the rooms like? Well, they have beds and whatnot, plus windows that offer this breathtaking view of our cutting-edge, Metro-adjacent developments:

Stunning. Let's see how affordable that million-dollar view might be. 

COMPUTER, ENHANCE:

Oof. People are going to have to clicky clicky on a lot of the fun WHO'S YOUR BABY'S DADDY ads on this filthy "web log" for us to be able to afford a night away, if by "away," you mean "right down the street with $45 hamburgers for room service," the end.

Here An Art, There An Art: Everywhere An Art Art: New Arts Confound Restonians, Or Maybe Just Us

Way back in Reston's Golden Age, when the Silver Line was still a dream we could only clap for, we would pore over the design documents and behold the breathtaking vision for Reston's 21st century future. And it was rad! 

BEHOLD, what might have been at the Wiehle Reston Metro Station, instead of a giant LCD screen showing fish and whatnot. You can sense the '80s vibes.

Clean. Edgy, in a tasteful pastel sort of way. Never happened for reasons known only to God and WMATA. But the second phase of the Silver Line did include a different An Art for the RTC Metro Station, which was completed last year. This An Art reflects a... different vision.

Behold "Ethos." No clean lines. No pastels. Something vaguely cyber-y? If only there was an explanation to help us comprehend this An Art! Oh, wait:

Completed in 2024, the design was inspired by the founder of Reston — Robert E. Simon — and the statement that “You can’t have a Utopia of one.” The artwork, inspired by these interactions, is multifaceted and thought of as a dialogue in which everyone can participate. Bates' design for the station can be seen as referencing artistic movements and philosophies such as Brutalism, Modernism, Wabi-Sabi, and Universal Constructivism, or as an echo of the biophilic character of Reston's history of natural and environmental integration, growth, and togetherness. It may also be experienced as a representation of emotional delight, as the "Play" from the "Live, Work, Play" maxim of Reston's founding vision.

IT MAY. To us, it looks like something that would be used on an album cover for some '90s grunge band. There's an old saying that the 1980s was basically a reboot of the 1950s and the 1990s was the same for the 1960s. So if the ought-teens were the '80s and the ought-twenties are the '90s, who knows what will be in vogue in just five years time? An homage to reality TV? Land wars in Asia? Green Day cover bands? The mind boggles.

But we digress. This An Art was nominated for a fancy award, but sadly, it lost to other An Arts with names like "Cloud Puncher" and "Elder Mother". But do those An Arts allow people to peer through them, metaphorically speaking, and see the monolithic earth-toned pillar of a Metro station totem sticking out like the proverbial sore thumb? WE THINK NOT.

Meanwhile, across town (or at least down Sunset Hills), another An Art was unveiled earlier this month. Called "Building Bridges," it is a replica of An Art in Venice, only instead of romantic sun-flecked canals navigated by singing gondoliers in striped shirts we have endless traffic crammed into one lane as cranes work to finish the fancy mauvescraper it sits in front of. BEHOLD:

We could have had woonerf in this very spot, but instead we got this scaled down version of An Art. Again, we are not bright enough to understand the meaning of this An Art without some blockquote. Oh, wait:

“I want this sculpture to spread love and to make us realize that, really, skin-deep we are all the same. It doesn’t matter where we come from or our background—it’s important to work together to bring the world together. There are so many wonderful, good-hearted people who need to work together to make this a better world. When we work together, humanity achieves greatness.”

True true, as the kids today might have said as recently as six months ago, before devolving into polyglot phrases such as "Skibidi." Anyhoo, expose yourself to your nearest An Art, we guess, the end.

Counting What Matters in Reston

Somehow, we missed the annual Reston Butterfly Count this summer. But thanks to a helpful Reston Association press release, we learned that while volunteers spotted plenty of different species, overall numbers were down. Sightings ranged from the European Cabbage White (which also happens to be a DRB-approved trim color) to the Huron Sachem Skipper (that abandoned floating dock), and the Common Wood Nymph (think closing time at one of RTC’s many fine watering holes). 

But we digress. Why should we only count the bugs flitting through our plastic-fantastic planned community? They don’t even pay HOA dues! Here are some other things we, as Right-Thinking Restonians, might consider keeping tabs on:

• The number of times the police helicopter circles over Reston. Airborne like the butterflies, but with a distinct soupçon of suburban suspicion.
• The number of Facebook and Nextdoor posts about the police helicopter circling over Reston. Grab some extra scratch paper for this one.
• The number of vowels in apartment and business names. BLVD, VY, SWTHZ, the late-lamented BGR (RIP)—you could count them on one hand.
• The number of fish swimming on the jumbotron at Wiehle Metro. Great for keeping the kids occupied while you try to remember if you parked on level G95 or G96. 
• The average indoor temperature in homes with Reston’s jet-age lake-cooled AC system. Bonus points for breaking triple digits!
• The number of green dots signifying open parking spaces in RTC garages. For extra fun, subtract the actual number of open spaces and order that many breadsticks at your favorite chain restaurant.
• The number of 90-degree angles in the new buildings rising near Wiehle Metro. You won’t need a lot of paper for this one.
• The number of walls meeting at 90-degree angles inside Reston’s 50-year-old homes. Another low number. Things improve with age—but don’t necessarily get more plumb.
• The number of golf balls sliced into the woods around Reston’s golf courses. If some folks have their way, that number may soon drop faster than the butterfly count, the end.

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.