Before there was an ersatz downtown, fanciful concrete bollards, parking validation, or even woonerf, there was Reston's arguably greatest contribution to suburban planning: the McTacoHut.
The combination of McDonald's, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut, each with ample parking, seemed to tempt the fates with its excessive hubris (and cholesterol). Its location on Roger Bacon Drive served as proof that Reston's early planners actually did have a sense of humor (for further proof, consider the "sunken living room").
DRB-friendly rules confined the Golden Arches within a modest stucco box. The other two eateries didn't even have roadside signs, making them exclusive spots known only to the earth-toned hoi polloi. Even so, the McTacoHut would supplant early Reston fast food gems like Burger Chef and Jack in the Box, which proved incapable of competing with the temptations of three different kinds of carbohydrate-laden products.
And McTacoHut made headlines! A 1970s issue of the Reston Industrial Landsales Newsletter, a real publication that rivaled the New York Times and the Washington Post in circulation among aficionados of industrial land sales, profiled what it called Reston's "fast food park," as if scarfing down doughy breadsticks is as healthy as a leisurely stroll, noting that our Pizza Hut was the second-highest grossing location in all of Northern Virginia.
Sadly, McTacoHut is no more. The McDonald's "modernized" its look, replacing the original building with an earth- toned box. Very Reston, come to think of it. Pizza Hut departed next, leaving us with the original architecture, a bougie pizza place, and the less dignified McTacoPup moniker. And now, with the Taco Bell reduced to rubble as part of a renovation, who knows what will rise in its place -- except that we know it will probably use soda dispensers to inject tortillas with meat.
But we digress. Every time you're on some interstate zipping through West Spittle, Nowhere, and you see a combination KFC/Taco Bell, you can thank the McTacoHut, or not, the end.
This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.
Give us some good color wheel blockquote, Pantone spokesperson:
"Underpinned by our desire for every day pleasures, PANTONE 17-1230 Mocha Mousse expresses a level of thoughtful indulgence. Sophisticated and lush, yet at the same time an unpretentious classic, PANTONE 17-1230 Mocha Mousse extends our perceptions of the browns from being humble and grounded to embrace aspirational and luxe."
Took the words right out of our mouths. But that's not all! In an effort that would make our own DRB blush, there's an entire palette that matches the Color of the Year. Peep it, as the kids haven't said in nearly a decade:
But we digress. Ignore all the haters that say the color matches the national mood, etc. Instead, just tell all your friends and interior designers that everything's coming up Reston! Then retreat to the sunken living room to celebrate the new year with an appropriately colored dessert item. It'll definitely match the decor, the end.
Now, the naysayers and the haters and the Lamestream Media will have you think that this is merely incoming flights lined up for their final approach to Dulles during the busy holiday travel season, or perhaps a constellation, but we know the real, horrifying truth. And there's proof! We were just grabbing our usual sustenance at the McTacoHutPupa complex yesterday and witnessed this shocking scene of destruction:
Clearly, the drones have come for our Chalupa Supremes, leaving nothing but a pile of rubble and a carefully erected construction fence in their wake. And there's more! At considerable legal risk, we falsified our "web logging" income so we could qualify for a Nextdoor Neighbor Dot Com account in our fancypants neighbor to the north, "Great" Falls. Good thing, too, as we discovered this heinous crime:
In conclusion, we hope the RA, or another equally well-armed organization, manages to set up anti-drone batteries around our most important strategic infrastructure to protect us from the Menace from Above, the end.
This shocking photo of the exciting "civic plaza" at Reston Station shared earlier this week by a vigilant, only possibly skydiving photographer on the Face Books, uncannily resembles a much-memed 80s cinema classic. If only there was a wise-cracking cop on the edge, international terrorists, and bumbling FBI agents to enliven what was probably a pretty scary scene, the end.
Sometimes during the holidays, all you want to do is sing:
On the first day of Reston, my true love gave to me... a citation from the DRB
On the second day of Reston, my true love gave to me... two invasive plants, and a citation from the DRB
On the third day of Reston, my true love gave to me... three taupe fixtures, and a citation from the DRB
On the fourth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... four casino chips, and a citation from the DRB
On the fifth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... FIVE GOLDEN RING (cameras)
On the sixth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... six Nextdoor posts, and a citation from the DRB
On the seventh day of Reston, my true love gave to me... seven cyclists spandexing, and a citation from the DRB
On the eighth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... eight choppers circling, and a citation from the DRB
On the ninth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... nine golfers slicing, and a citation from the DRB
On the tenth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... ten developers scheming, and a citation from the DRB
On the eleventh day of Reston, my true love gave to me... eleven parking apps, and a citation from the DRB
On the twelfth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... twelve concrete bollards, and -- everyone sing! -- a citation from the DRB
God bless us, every one. We're gonna need it.
This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.
Flashbacks:
The RNGC Caddyshackpocalypse
Bollards!
