Panic: The Drones are Here

Behold this blurry yet terrifying still from a cellular telephone video someone in the Greater Reston-Herndon Area posted to the Face Book Dot Com Online Web Site yesterday: Clearly, the fleets of drones that have terrorized New Jersey managed to recharge their batteries and fly south.

Now, the naysayers and the haters and the Lamestream Media will have you think that this is merely incoming flights lined up for their final approach to Dulles during the busy holiday travel season, or perhaps a constellation, but we know the real, horrifying truth. And there's proof! We were just grabbing our usual sustenance at the McTacoHutPupa complex yesterday and witnessed this shocking scene of destruction:

Clearly, the drones have come for our Chalupa Supremes, leaving nothing but a pile of rubble and a carefully erected construction fence in their wake. And there's more! At considerable legal risk, we falsified our "web logging" income so we could qualify for a Nextdoor Neighbor Dot Com account in our fancypants neighbor to the north, "Great" Falls. Good thing, too, as we discovered this heinous crime:

Not only did the drones get away with a couple of wreaths, but apparently they managed to nab this poster's CAPS LOCK key and vowels as part of their airborne LARCNY. Oh, the humanity!

In conclusion, we hope the RA, or another equally well-armed organization, manages to set up anti-drone batteries around our most important strategic infrastructure to protect us from the Menace from Above, the end. 

Okay, Fine, Die Hard Is A Christmas Movie (At Least In Reston)

 
This shocking photo of the exciting "civic plaza" at Reston Station shared earlier this week by a vigilant, only possibly skydiving photographer on the Face Books, uncannily resembles a much-memed 80s cinema classic. If only there was a wise-cracking cop on the edge, international terrorists, and bumbling FBI agents to enliven what was probably a pretty scary scene, the end. 

The 12 Days of Reston

Sometimes during the holidays, all you want to do is sing:

On the first day of Reston, my true love gave to me... a citation from the DRB

On the second day of Reston, my true love gave to me... two invasive plants, and a citation from the DRB

On the third day of Reston, my true love gave to me... three taupe fixtures, and a citation from the DRB

On the fourth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... four casino chips, and a citation from the DRB

On the fifth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... FIVE GOLDEN RING (cameras)

On the sixth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... six Nextdoor posts, and a citation from the DRB

On the seventh day of Reston, my true love gave to me... seven cyclists spandexing, and a citation from the DRB

On the eighth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... eight choppers circling, and a citation from the DRB

On the ninth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... nine golfers slicing, and a citation from the DRB

On the tenth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... ten developers scheming, and a citation from the DRB

On the eleventh day of Reston, my true love gave to me... eleven parking apps, and a citation from the DRB

On the twelfth day of Reston, my true love gave to me... twelve concrete bollards, and -- everyone sing! -- a citation from the DRB

God bless us, every one. We're gonna need it. 

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.

Because "Russet Brown" Isn't a Five-Letter Word, That's Why

We were so surprised when we stumbled upon this halfway through our ninth cup of coffee one morning this weekend, we nearly tumbled head first into our shag carpeted conversation pit! Apparently someone on the Failing New York Times' "puzzles staff," which is apparently a real thing and may employ more editors than write headlines for, you know, boring stuff, is familiar with the questionable color palette of our plastic fantastic planned community; no notes, the end.

Mauve Friday: RTC Named Top Christmas Spot, But Spirit of the Season Is Everywhere

It's the holiday season once again, and our BFFs at the Washington Post gave us an early holiday present, if by "present" you mean naming our favorite ersatz downtown one of DC's best "festive neighborhoods," if by "neighborhood" you mean a "midscale shopping center with a confusing parking app."

But we digress! Give us some good blockquote, our favorite correspondent, the Peasant from Less Sought After South Reston: 

Words I never thought applied to Reston Town Center, aka one of the DMV’s “8 most festive neighborhoods,” according to the Washington Post... Right up there with the moneyed elites of Capitol Hill and Georgetown, as well as the hip and edgy Penn Quarter and Adams Morgan. Words fail me, which is why this is such a short email.

Along with the ice rink and a couple of RTC's midscale eateries and watering holes, the Post gushes about a pop-up Christmas bar that's located... not in Reston Town Center proper, but its equally edgy neighbor. But that's okay! We've got plenty of festive spirit in Reston. Even if we can't imagine it, we can enlist our trusty semi-sentient, HOA-friendly MI (mauve intelligence) bot to give us a sense of why we live in such a festive place:

The crack RTC parking squad has apparently turned in their golf carts and bumblebees for more seasonally appropriate attire. But there's more!

It's always nice to see the DRB put aside their differences about white stone and red mulch to focus on the spirit of the holidays. Also, it appears that approximately 2/3 of the board has been cloned, but that's a small price to pay for the Spirit of the Season. Speaking of which:

We honestly can't tell if Santa is trying to rip off the chimney so he can distribute gifts on his appointed rounds, or whether he's been enlisted by the Clone DRB to appropriately sanction homeowners who fail to paint their chimney stacks the appropriate color of taupe. 

We boiled the equivalent of all the water in Lake Anne and Lake Newport to generate these images, and honestly, we have no regrets. And luckily, we don't need AI to illustrate how you, a proud Restonian, can give and receive in the spirit of the holidays without leaving home:

Just keep checking your mailbox for the annual, ever-so-slightly larger RA assessment delivered not by Santa, but a uniformed federal agent, the end.

It's Off to the Races!

By now, you've probably heard about the epic drag race between a Lamborghini and a Cybertruck that took place on Rt. 7 in Tysons Corner (given the traffic, they probably both reached a breakneck three miles per hour before hitting a traffic light). While that's all well and good for an area that's angling to replace a used car lot with a casino and all the classy activities associated with them, we in Reston deserve some excitement too! So what can we race?

County planners vs. the DRB. The classic tortoise vs. hare contest. While the planners chase every potential development with dollar signs popping out of their eyes like cartoon characters, the DRB can argue for hours over the positioning of a downspout. The only loser? Our patience.

Cyclists vs. muffler-free cars. Aerodynamic spandex and the fancy new bridge over Wiehle Avenue give the bikers a slight edge, but the folks that roll coal around Reston for hours in cars that sound like someone dropped a roll of quarters into a leaf blower win on decibels.

Roundabouts vs. RTC. If planners get their way in redesigning the intersection of Wiehle and Sunrise Valley, you'll be able to spin around in circles until you reach Warp 2 and literally turn back time. The other will put a butterfly on your car, essentially stopping time.

Spotted lanternflies vs. English ivy. An epic battle of invasive organisms! One flies, the other crawls, but only one is addressed by official recommendations to "squish" it. Clear winner.

Developers vs. golfers. An eternal battle dating back to the 1980 cinematic masterpiece Caddyshack, the golfers have the upper hand... for now. Just watch for the pesky gopher, and by gopher we mean "the aforementioned county planners with dollar signs popping out of their eyes like cartoon characters."

Terraset vs. an inert iron rod. Reston may not rate a rad drag race with a Cybertruck, but our favorite semi-subterranean elementary school bears an uncanny resemblance to one (really, just Google it). It might not move quickly, but we'll take the elementary school over the inert iron rod, the end.

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.

Law & Order SFU: Special Fixtures Unit

 

Behold this scene of carnage along one of Reston's otherwise idyllic paths, where a grisly crime scene has been encircled by police tape. Not for the faint of heart.

The victim: An incandescent street trail light, age 57, height 11'1", 175 pounds. No identifying marks.

Motive: Unknown. An unapproved tree removal? Unpaid electric bills? A jealous EV charger?

In Reston, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Fixtures Unit. These are their stories.