Flashbacks:
The RNGC Caddyshackpocalypse
Bollards!
Soon uniformed federal agents will be delivering the latest issue of Reston: The Magazine to our homes. But in case your weekend plans include confronting your neighbor about the decaying state of your shared party wall what they do with their grass clippings, here's a "sneak peek" at some helpful hints in the helpful "charticle" format those of us in the media elite love us so bad:
These Stock Photo Restonians certainly look like they've resolved whatever neighborly conflict they once had about taking the trash can out at 6:58pm instead of 7:00pm the night before pickup, or whatever. Oddly, "don't make plans to redevelop the golf course" doesn't appear to be on the list.
There is also a picture of a monkey on a telephone in one of the ads in the upcoming issue of Reston: The Magazine, so that's something to look forward to when it arrives in the mail, the end.
Would it have killed you to post it in a size which is actually readable?
ReplyDeleteHaving a hard time reading the text, Anon. Here. Let me help:
ReplyDeleteSOON UNIFORMED FEDERAL AGENTS WILL BE DELIVERING THE LATEST ISSUE OF RESTON: THE MAGAZINE TO OUR HOMES. BUT IN CASE YOUR WEEKEND PLANS INCLUDE CONFRONTING YOUR NEIGHBOR ABOUT THE DECAYING STATE OF YOUR SHARED PARTY WALL WHAT THEY DO WITH THEIR GRASS CLIPPINGS, HERE'S A "SNEAK PEEK" AT SOME HELPFUL HINTS IN THE HELPFUL "CHARTICLE" FORMAT THOSE OF US IN THE MEDIA ELITE LOVE US SO BAD:
THESE STOCK PHOTO RESTONIANS CERTAINLY LOOK LIKE THEY'VE RESOLVED WHATEVER NEIGHBORLY CONFLICT THEY ONCE HAD ABOUT TAKING THE TRASH CAN OUT AT 6:58PM INSTEAD OF 7:00PM THE NIGHT BEFORE PICKUP, OR WHATEVER. ODDLY, "DON'T MAKE PLANS TO REDEVELOP THE GOLF COURSE" DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE ON THE LIST.
THERE IS ALSO A PICTURE OF A MONKEY ON A TELEPHONE IN ONE OF THE ADS IN THE UPCOMING ISSUE OF RESTON: THE MAGAZINE, SO THAT'S SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN IT ARRIVES IN THE MAIL, THE END.
There's no need to help me, Anon. I'm more than happy to help.
Okay, that made me laugh out loud. Remember SNL's News for the Hard of Hearing?
Delete"What's all this talk about farty walls? Why can't Restonians learn to insulate their walls so that any gas they pass stays inside their own home? Why, you know what they say about windbreakers in church, don't you? A person who farts in church must kneel in his own pew! Heavens to Betsy, what is wrong with people in Reston these days that they have farty walls...
DeleteEMILY, THAT WAS 'PARTY WALLS', NOT 'FARTY WALLS'.
"Never mind."
That photo is not legit. A red neighbor would never shake hands with a blue neighbor.
ReplyDeleteBullet item under "Do Unto Others: "Don't pump your neighbors lake dry in order to keep every single blade of grass on your frigging golf course lush and green."
ReplyDeleteOr "don't try to put up a high-rise condo in the middle of a neighborhood of garden apartments and townhouses, then switch to an equally large midrise building with a parking configuration named after an item of junk food."
ReplyDeleteOddly specific, but helpful nontheless.
Wow, this reminds me of that episode of Star Trek where the two aliens with nearly identical faces fight to the death, only with more pastels.
ReplyDeleteHey, I know those two ‘ladies’ pictured in the photograph!
ReplyDeleteThe one in red is the former lesbian director of the South Lakes Angry Democratic Ladies That Have Had More Than 10 Abortions Club. She flaked out in late 90s and became a born-again Christian and now runs a Reston-based blog for spiritually challenged single moms that home school their children called Teabagging Your 10 Boyfriends Is A Safer Form Of Birth Control Than Using Condoms. Her self-published book, An Unmarried Christian Couple That Teabags Together Stays Together…And Also Doesn’t Get Pregnant!, clocked in a #4893 for a one hour period on Amazon. She won the Powerball in late 2009 and used part her winnings to undergo a sex change operation in Sweden. Her name used to be Linda. His name today is Adam.
The one in blue is Ann Romney's college-era lesbian Mormon girlfriend. They met and fell in love at a Young Republican National Federation meeting at Salt Lake, Utah that hosted a reception for the first black man in America ever allowed by the Mormon church to actually openly hold a copy of the Book of Mormon. Ann's former lover later married a closeted homosexual who went on to found the Log Cabin Republicans. Devastated by the break-up of her marriage, Ann's long lost girlfriend underwent a revenge sex change operation in early 2002. Her name used to be Tammy. His name today is Steve.
Adam and Steve met last year at a Friends of Queer Taliban and were married by a Buddhist priest at Lake Anne. Today they live in a condo a couple of floors down from Robert E. Simon's place in the Heron House. Bob can often be heard talking with them at Lake Anne and mixing up their names and gender identities, since poor old' Bob is kind of..well..old now and used to know them both back in the day.
Adam and Steve are really nice guys. Interestingly, they both supported Herman Cain during the Republican primary. They both thought he was the #1 up and coming gay superstar of the Republican party.
They forgot to include "Avoid naming your children with any of the common Reston residents' kids names (e.g., Madison, Hunter, etc.)."
ReplyDeleteWho is Bob Simon and why is he saying all those terrible things about NIMBY's and the manned space program?
ReplyDeleteAll I ever wanted was a sheltered composting pit in my back yard...but NOOOO!..not in Reston. Screw this-- I think I will move somewhere else...
ReplyDelete'Allo 'Allo! I am Michelle, leader of the French resistance in Nouvion.
ReplyDeleteI especially like ze point 11 in ze "charticle" above.
"Listen carefully. I shall say this only once."