A List of Things More Likely To Happen Than The Silver Line Opening By July 4 (Updated)

A lot of attention has been paid to the news, from "sources familiar with the project," that Metro's fun new Silver Line just might be up and running by July 4, after all. Keep clapping, kids!

Multiple sources tell WTOP that it's more likely that the Silver Line will be completed and certified before the end of the month than it being delayed into May. Once MWAA certifies the project as complete, it would turn over the project to Metro. Project Director Pat Nowakowski has told WTOP the time between certification and turnover to Metro would be quick.

Metro has said it could be up to 90 days after that before trains open for passengers, but Metro board members have told WTOP that Metro hopes to be able to open the line more quickly.

A source tells WTOP that Metro hopes to take only 60 days after getting control of the line, since they have been able to run extra tests during the project's long delay.

Hey, it could happen! However, at great personal expense, we hired a professional statistician, who "crunched the numbers," as professional statisticians never say, and identified a number of other events that are more likely to happen by July 4:

• Tall Oaks Shopping Center attracts the nation's first "Mini-Wegmans," has to build additional surface parking to accommodate crazed shoppers, razes Bentana Woods to do so.
  
  
• The new Reston documentary edges out the latest Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler biopic When Jean-Paul Sartre Met Jacques Derrida at the box office.
  
  
• Dulles Toll Road booths begin accepting Chuck-E-Cheese tokens, dispensing tickets good for plush stuffed animals when they're thrown into the center of the basket.
  
  
• The dog run in Baron Cameron Park is supplemented by an adjoining ferret run and sugar glider run. Adorable animals gamboling in harmony warm neighbors' hearts, prompting them to drop lawsuit.
  
  
• The Soapstone bridge across the Toll Road is fully funded, redesigned as a sweeping suspension bridge, and renamed "The Mauve Gate."
  
  
• Lake Anne Plaza welcomes two new tenants: Hooters and a hipster-friendly bowling alley. The two crowds don't exactly mix.
  
  
• The first few weeks of the summer season goes by without a pool having to close because its landline can't get a dial tone.
  
  
• The anticipated July 4 opening of Metro causes Reston housing values to spike by 400 percent, officially making our earth-toned community a "Super Zip" and prompting everyone to cash out and move to Ashburn.
  
  
  THIS.
  

Update: Now there's this:

Was it something we said?

And also this. Click early and often, kids!