Scenes From a Mall: A Stroll Through 'America's Next Great City,' Or At Least Some Jetsons-Like Elevated Platform

Now that Tysons Corner has rebranded itself "America's Next Great City" (tm), we thought it was high time to discard our tired jibes about its decidedly unurbane, strip-mall and Crystal Koons car lot past. That was so 2014! Sprawl is out, dense, urban living is in, silly rabbits, and Tysons is poised to become the next Paris, or Emerald City, or whatever we're branding calling it now.

So we got a day pass to leave Reston and decided to check out America's Next Great City (tm). Of course, to do so, we had to go to the mall. And then walk past a bunch of desperate kiosk retailers selling aftermarket cellphone cases and up three levels to discover the Jetsons-like grassy elevated knoll that is the central gathering place where the Tysons elite will meet and greet on their way from Lord and Taylors to the Metro... and back again, earning and consuming over and over, for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.


HELLO, NATURE. Unlike smelly old first-generation cities with their gridlocked surface streets, America's Next Great City (tm) will have grassy spaces adorned by futuristic metal flanges elevated 100 feet above the gridlocked surface streets. And birds!


Or at least statues of birds. Next best thing.

America's Next Great City (tm) will also have myriad opportunities for entertainment. BEHOLD!


Cornhole OR table tennis. Our cup runneth over.


When we rewrite the Constitution after the revolution, "Where the Stores Are" will be a great preamble.


We weren't sure if this was art or not-quite-finished art. If the goal of public art is to confound, then this definitely works. But hey -- Shake Shack!

And finally, as we prepared to leave, we saw this next to our car:


Why yes, that's a discarded, half-eaten pancake. Apparently in America's Next Great City (tm), the appetites don't quite meet the ambitions just yet. There's probably a metaphor there, but we've got a newly purchased aftermarket cellphone case to try out, the end.