New Invasive Plant, Wavyleaf Basket Grass, Will Destroy Us All

RED GREEN ALERT: The Reston Association has informed us that a new invasive species has been spotted in our beloved earth-toned community, and not all the goats or Hunger Games-like contests or lily-destroying napalm in the world will save us from being overrun.

"NEW INVASIVE GRASS FOUND IN RESTON," the RA declared in the scariest Facebook post we've seen since our elderly uncle started posting his political beliefs. According to Fairfax County's equally frightening-sounding Early Detection and Rapid Response program, Wavyleaf basketgrass (Oplismenus hirtellus) "is a low-lying, trailing perennial grass that is less than one foot tall. Its flat leaf blades are about one-half to one inch wide and 1.5 to 4 inches long, have elongated pointed tips and are rippled. It is noticeably hairy where the leaf attaches to the stem, although the hairs are very short. Individual stems connect to each other underground. When the plant blooms, from mid-September through November, the grass sends up a spike that has seeds along it. Seeds are sticky and can stick to clothes, boots, etc."

KISS YOUR BOOTS GOODBYE, RESTONIANS.

Also remember and never forget: Wavyleaf basket grass looks remarkably similar to two other invasive plants, small carpetgrass and Japanese stilt grass. Our enemy is wily and thrives on deceit. Be prepared.

And if you happen to encounter this fearsome invader? "If you find it, please remove it and place in the trash," the RA post continues, presumably forgetting to add "on your way to your panic room, where you can safely start Googling Ashburn real estate listings." Which is all fine and good if you don't mind the seeds STICKING TO YOUR CLOTHES. And once those nefarious, evil-doing seeds are firmly embedded in your t-shirt, who knows what could happen?