We're #29! Why Reston Is Exactly One Better Than Ashburn To Live In

ZOMG, someone rouse Kasey Kasem from his unmarked grave in Norway, because the annual Money Magazine list of the Best Exurban Sprawly Places to Live was released a few weeks back, and our beloved earth-toned community was ranked #29 -- tumbling 22 big notches since its apex in the Top 10 back in ought-twelve (frankly, we blame the decline on the loss of Reston's #1 amenity). But we could care less about that, because we ranked exactly one place above Ashburn, our Wegmans-loving, Metro-curious particleboard Nirvana to the west. Ha! Science (or at least lazy magazine listicle generators) has conclusively proven we're one better!

Here's what MoneyTimeCNNSportsIllustratedJuggs says about Reston:

Today, the thriving Washington, D.C., suburb offers a woodsy atmosphere that includes expanses of parks, lakes, golf courses, and bridle paths. Over 50 miles of pathways were designed to weave in and around its communities to increase pedestrian safety and to ensure that most residents’ homes were no more than a half-mile walk to village centers.

Or desolate stucco wastelands soon to be populated with zombielike CGI grannies. Same dif!

But who cares what they say, because of this:

Really, this should be the cover of the next Reston: The Magazine.

But how did the Money listicle-elves make this highly scientific calculation that put us one step above Ashburn? Their metrics change a bit each year and are somewhat opaque, but we do know that it's not the number of clear days a year (197 in both places). Here's our own take:

Reston	Ashburn	Winner
Stucco and T-111 plywood	Particleboard and one-sided brick fronts	Tie
Bocce dads	Soccer moms	Ashburn
"We're not dead, we're Reston"	"Ca$hburn"	Ashburn
Beer available lakeside	Beer available in dark movie theater	Reston
Woonerf	Winding cul-de-sacs	Reston
Transit-oriented development	Handing out building permits like candy on Halloween	Um, Reston, we guess?
Reality of deteriorating, unreliable Metro	Silver Line fever!	Ashburn
Giddy anticipation of Wegmans coming	Ennui, bloating from one too many prepared Wegmans meals	Reston
Historical marker	Totally fake history	Reston
Elite Town Center as key amenity	Loudoun One, obviously less elite because parking is free	Reston

Honestly, it looks like elite paid parking put us over the top, the end.