Lake Audubon CANCELED: Are Other Reston Waterways Next? (Updated)

Shocking news out of South Reston, where one of our beloved lakes is about to be CANCELED, like some tawdry loose-lipped Hollywood star. Give us some politically correct blockquote, BFFs at Reston Now:

Reston Association’s Board of Directors has begun preliminary conversations to consider launching a community dialogue on potentially renaming the lake, which is named after 19th century artist and known enslaver John James Audubon.

The move, pitched by at-large director John Farrell, would kickstart a community dialogue on the possibility of a name change. Early next year, Farrell and others will host an exploratory meeting with area stakeholders to discuss whether or not there is interest in changing the name of the lake.

“It seems to me that there needs to be a reconciliation of our fundamental founding principles of inclusion with this guy’s history,” Farrell said at a Dec. 15 board meeting.

Audubon enslaved at least nine people and was publicly dismissive of the abolitionist movement.

Actually, this is definitely worth considering given Reston's principles, which were at odds with the rest of suburban Virginia at the time of its founding.  Even the storied Audubon Naturalist Society is changing its name for the same reason! 

But this could be just the beginning. Are any of our waterways safe? Consider:

Lake Thoreau: Named after a guy who spent a night in jail. Even worse, look at his own lakefront home:

Moss-covered siding? Window trim and mullions that aren't the right shade of Weathered Russet? That unauthorized shed in the back? We bet the Concord DRB had a field day with this guy. 

Verdict: CANCELED

Lake Newport: As befits fancypants North Reston, named after an exclusive New England town—you know, real whales and sails, cobblestone streets, cut of your jib territory. But fancypants Newport was the center of New England's slave trade—and more than half of all slave trading missions across all of North America. What do you think paid for all those fancy mansions?

Verdict: Not even close. CANCELED. We're serious about this one -- it's gross. Rename it Lake Woonsocket or Pawtucket Pond or something.

Lake Anne: This one's a bit tougher.  Googling "Anne Canceled" on Bing dot Com brings up something about some Canadian Netflix series called "Anne with an E" not being renewed after its third season, which is apparently what passes for news in Canada along with maple syrup shortages. It was described as a "quintessentially Canadian story." Just look at this picture:

Verdict: Do we look Canadian? Remember the War of 1812 and shout CANCELED, with a side of backbacon, or whatever. Cry, Tim Horton, cry.

But those aren't the only Reston waterways! The RA website also highlights Butler Pond (classist—CANCELED) and Bright Pond (unfair to the visually impaired—CANCELED). Then there's Difficult Run, which is about as ableist as it gets—TRIPLE CANCELED. South Lakes Village Center should really be renamed the Village Center Between the States. And as people who have trouble reaching the top shelf at the grocery store, don't get us started about Tall Oaks, the end.

Update: Our favorite correspondent, the Peasant from Less Sought After South Reston, adds some other locations that may fall under the baleful eye of the CANCEL crowd:

Angel Wing Court – offensive to atheists and Satanists

Buttermilk Lane – agita-inducing to the lactose intolerant

Chapel Cross Way – see Angel Wing Court above

Church Hill Place – ditto the above. Also offensive to ex-British colonies

Fairwind Way – burrito eaters object

Grey Squirrel Lane – hurtful to black, red, and albino squirrels

Hemingway Drive – Papa was way too macho

Hunt Club Road – PETA objects

Indian Ridge Road – change it to Native American Road pronto

Lofty Heights Place – flatlanders want equal treatment

New Dominion Parkway – wait, the Dominion is back? Didn’t Star Fleet whoop its ass in Deep Space 9?

Trophy Lane – change to Everybody Gets An Award Lane

Whisper Way – shhhhh! Not for those with hearing loss