It's Time for Some Name Changes – No Fooling

Because it's April, there were of course the requisite April Fool's jokes on that social media thing the kids all seem to love, if by "kids" you mean folks with smartphones and mortgages, and the soul-crushing jobs required to pay for both.

But we digress. One of the best of this year's April Fool's crop was a photo of a street sign on our beloved Temporary Road, doctored so it read “Permanent Road.” And for sure, no 100-foot-long stretch of asphalt 'round these here parts has arguably generated as much head-scratching as this one. And we get it, Reston! You're scared of commitment. But all these decades later, you're stuck with us – and vice versa.

However, that's not the only name in our plastic fantastic planned community that might benefit from a little updating. Consider:

New Dominion Parkway – The fancier part of Temporary Road, on the other side of Reston Parkway. Way back when Reston Town Center was just a handful of buildings surrounded by a sea of surface parking, we saw this street name and were duly impressed. This wasn't the stuffy old Dominion, the Virginia of the capital of the Confederacy -- no siree Bob (Simon), it's the new Virginia! Instead of cotillions, there's chain dining. Instead of plantations, paid parking. No notes.

Wiehle Avenue – A road named after the village which was named after the man who decided to build a town with one viable business (a distillery). But it’s so 19th century! Maybe we should update it to honor the last name of a more recent town founder, or at least his initials. Nah, that would be crazy.

Old Reston Avenue – A sharp right turn off Temporary Road, this stub of a road still has an official "Virginia Byway" sign hinting at its old-timeyness. But besides the ruins of the aforementioned distillery, there's not much old-timey about it these days, except maybe for the hot dogs rolling ceaselessly under the warmers at the gas station at its other end.

American Dream Way – So named for the one-time headquarters of a mortgage student loan company, it will soon be the only way into a gated community of townhouses and tiny green spaces -- but only if you can afford it! Again, no notes.

Baron Cameron Avenue – Honoring the Sixth Baron Fairfax of Cameron, born in 1693. But this is America, by gum, and we don't bow down to royalty. Let's change it to his given name, Tommy "Gridlock" Fairfax.

Sunrise Valley/Sunset Hills – One is north of the other, not east or west, so these names don't really work from a geographical standpoint. So why not make fans of mid-century musicals happy, and change their names to Sunrise Valley/If I Were a Rich Man and Sunset Hills/To Life?

Colt's Neck Drive – Appropriate when Reston's fancy octagonal horse stable was nearby, but the stable is long gone and so are the horses, give or take the occasional runaway from outside Reston's borders. How about something that better reflects today's flora and fauna, like Invasive Ivy Parkway?

Olde Crafts Drive – Someone will have to explain this one to us, along with its neighboring Barrel Cooper Court and Gunsmith Square. Are there Colonial Williamsburg-style demonstrations of barrel coopering, whatever that is, and musketry, whatever that is, every week- end? Do you get issued a tri-cornered hat when you move in? Does the DRB put you in the stocks if your door is the wrong color? So many questions.

Opportunity Way, Visionary Way, Inspiration Street, and Progress Street – These are the names of the new streets surrounding the even newer skyscrapers adjoining Reston Town Center. Given their names' vaguely Soviet state-sanctioned optimism vibe, we guess Glorious 10 Year Plan Drive and Tractor Surplus Exceeded Parkway were taken.

Links Drive, Golf Course Drive, and several others – Write your own joke here, the end.

This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.