Ode to Nextdoor: So Many Questions, So Few Answers

Why is the helicopter flying overhead?

The neighborhood kids are playing ding-dong-ditch again. I have emailed this blurry Ring video to the county police, FBI, ATF, CIA and MI5. Does anyone parent anymore?

Who can fix my 50-year-old air conditioner? The neighbors keep asking us to do something about “Old Grindy” because it makes their house shake, but it keeps our house at a comfortable 82 degrees.

AVOID: This contractor came over to fix my 50-year-old air conditioner. He just put his head in his hands and started weeping gently. Does no one want to work anymore?

FOR SALE: Chair, gently loved, good place to sit. $3500 OBO.

I saw someone I don't recognize walking down my street. Should I call 911 before or after I go to my panic room?

Seriously, why is the helicopter hovering over my neighborhood?

Friendly message from your cluster board: Paint your door one of the one approved colors or face our wrath.  We never forget, and we never forgive, for we are the Thin Mauve Line. P.S. Don't forget the cluster picnic on Friday!

ALERT: A strange man wearing a uniform was wandering around the neighborhood and deposited several items in my mailbox. Should we call the National Guard?

FREE: Chair, minus the upholstery, legs, back, and cushion. Okay, it's a piece of wood, but does no one want to give a perfectly good piece of furniture a little TLC anymore?

The neighborhood kids are now hanging out in the parking lot. Don't they have homework?

Hi, I'm a local government official who has to post here as part of my job. Consider this the equivalent of walking into a crowded room and dropping off a flyer without making eye contact with anyone, then slowly backing away.

Why is the helicopter flashing its spotlight into my window?  

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Who is censoring my posts about my petty conflict with my neighbor? What, is this Soviet Russia?

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Why has the helicopter landed on my roof? 

Hi, it's the neighborhood kids. We got tired of playing ding-dong-ditch and hanging out in the parking lot, so we created Nextdoor accounts. Why is everyone watching us all the time? 

We went to this restaurant, ordered two glasses of water, and they didn't burst into tears with gratitude for our custom. Does no one understand customer service anymore?

Why is the helicopter pilot and a SWAT team bursting through my attic? 

Can anyone recommend a good lawyer?

 This post was originally published in the Reston Letter.